Age-induced crankiness has been rearing its wrinkled head lately.
Por Ejemplo, Saturday I called up the lovely ladies at Bare Minerals to inform them that while I love their product, I have enough to last me until the Messiah cometh and therefore I would like to cancel my reoccurring shipments and just order when I run out.
The following absurdity, I mean conversation ensued:
Sales Lady: Thank you Ms. Witch for calling. I have your account pulled up and see that you are already scheduled to receive a shipment every six months, which means your next shipment is not scheduled until August 2009. Now six months is our maximum limit.
Me: Yes, I saw that online. Which is why I’m calling you because really I don’t think I’m going to run out before then, so I’d rather just cancel it and order when I run out.
SL: I see. And do you use the product everyday?
Me: Yes, I do. But I really have enough.
SL: (in a quiet, condescending tone) And how much coverage do you use?
Me: Well I’m not as ugly as I sound, so I like to think it doesn’t take that much.
SL: Oooohh, so you use a light coverage? A more “natural” approach?
Me: Yes. And I detect your skepticism there Tammy Faye.
SL: Hmmm. (pause) Well, you do receive 20% off your purchase as a club member and if you were to cancel, you would lose that discount.
Me: (exasperation setting in) That’s fine.
SL: Aww are you sure? Because that would that quadruple your price and you wouldn’t be able to continue receiving your discount.
Me: Yes, I understand this concept. I am quite familiar with it actually. I believe its called a sale. But no thank you.
SL: (ignoring my futile refusal) One way for you to maintain your club membership status would be when you receive a package, simply mark it as return to sender and we will refund all charges because we do back our product with a money back guarantee for all purchases. Then you would not receive another installment until February 2010.
Me: That sounds like a lot of work. Really I just want to cancel this. When I run out, and if I’ve managed to recover from this call which is highly ticking me off, you’ll still get my business.
SL: Do you wear any other make up? Eye make up or lip wear?
Me: No, I prefer to frighten small children. Thank you, but I’m not interested. I just want to cancel this.
SL: Oh ok, no problem Ms. Wykee, I’ll be sure to get your request processed. Now do you have a skin care routine?
Me: Seriously? NO. I do not. I am an unabashed hippy and vanity is evil multi-billion dollar industry that exploits the environment, while devastating Western white girls self-esteem.
I prefer Estee Lauder.
SL:And are you happy with their product?
Me: No, my face swells in horrid red whelps. But once the redness fades, I like to think of it as “at home Botox.” Listen, can I just cancel this? I really have to go.
SL: Oh yes Ms. Wysh. I canceled your order several moments ago.
(I swear I could hear her blinking over the phone. Crickets chirped while I reminded myself to count to ten, in Spanish, so that my blood pressure would subside. I also tried to smile in a Wednesday Addams sort of way, so as to avoid future wrinkles which will inevitably require more of this beauty product to cover up. And thus more of these ridiculous conversations.)
SL: Would you like your confirmation number?
Me: (in my best Bea Arthur growl impersonation) Yes.
SL: Ok well here it is: d0mba8s*. Thanks for calling!